Confessions of a Christmas Music Junkie

I enjoy Christmas music far more than the average person.  Christmas music evokes wonderful memories of my childhood; listening to Ferrante & Teicher duel their way through the Christmas classics, or to Barbra Streisand on vinyl is how I remember Christmas time at our house.  I always wait until Halloween is over, but once the calendar says "November", it is fair game.  I used to have to wait until FM100 switched over to their "All Christmas / All the Time" programming but with the advent of streaming radio, I usually beat them by a couple of weeks.  

I prefer older versions of Christmas songs, by singers who might be classified as "crooners" singing songs that sound like they are coming from a needle on pressed wax.  I listened to an internet stream called Christmas Vinyl for years and it was full of moldy oldies and some really different songs than the ones that get played repeatedly.  Sadly, it is gone now and I am still looking for a replacement.  I don't begrudge someone who wants to mash up and perfectly good Christmas song with a one-hit wonder from the 1980s...



...but I'll chill over here with Perry Como in the meantime.

Once Christmas music starts up on the radio, all the naysayers bemoan the fact that the Christmas season is getting longer, and overshadowing Thanksgiving.  For me, it's the best of both worlds.  Regardless of what's on the radio, I am going to eat the (ahem) stuffing out of some turkey dinner come Thanksgiving.  The fact that I can listen to Christmas tunes while I nurse my upset tummy is (again) the gravy on top.

For someone who logs many hours each holiday season listening to Christmas music, I have developed a mental list of holiday songs, or parts of songs that drive me nuts.  You may not agree, or even understand why these bother me, but after you hear "That piano song from A Charlie Brown Christmas" for the 250th time in a two-week span, certain things begin to wear on you a bit.

So here, without further ado, is my list of Christmas Music Irritations.  I have ranked them in order of irritation; the first part of the list is akin to a teacher writing on a chalkboard and her fingernail catches the slate, making a high-pitched squeak that makes everyone shiver.  By the end of the list, the teacher has turned into a devil woman and rakes her inch-long claws across the board, emitting an inhuman sound that makes blood spurt from your earlobes.

I have embedded the songs for your convenience.  Sample them at your own volition.

#12 - "Jingle Bells"  It's crime against humanity: the line "...the horse was lean and lank..."

This is a perfectly fine Christmas song, and then the line pops up in the second stanza. Just as we are recovering from hearing that the protagonist's date is named Fanny Bright, we are hit with this gem.  Lean AND lank?  I'm guessing that he wasn't a muscled-up workhorse then.  I will cut it a little slack due to the fact that it was written in 1850 but have you ever heard this phrase used outside of this song?  The worst is when Barba Streisand takes this song on and is singing JINGLEBELLJINGLEBELLJINGLEALLTHEWAYOHWHATFUNITISTORIDEINAONEHORSEOPENSLEIGH but slows down long enough to emphasize this line.  I better move on before I get upsot.



#11 - "Winter Wonderland"  It's crime against humanity: the line "To face unafraid, the plans that we made..."

This line puzzles me more than it irritates me.  What plans, exactly, have they made?  The line before this one they talk about conspiring while sitting around the fire.  Per Google, to conspire is to "seem to be working together to bring about a particular result, typically to someone's detriment".  And then they choose to go forward, fully committed and unafraid of what they conspired to do.  Are they planning a coup?  Will they do something that ultimately ends like this?  Seems a little shady in any event.

As an aside, thanks to the parody styling of Bob Rivers, it has been over twenty years since I have been able to sing the actual title of the original song when I hear it on the radio.  I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing.


#10 - "Baby, it's cold outside" It's crime against humanity: the line "Put some records on while I pour."

Did you know that on the original score, the two parts were denoted as "wolf" and "mouse", which takes on a predatory feel as this song goes on?  The female performer (always the mouse) keeps trying to leave while the male (definitely the wolf) tends to speak his lines to her in calm, hypnotic tone and, depending on the version, repeats the above line over and over.  Who says "while I pour"?  I know this is an old song, but people didn't just stop talking mid-sentence back in the day, did they?  What are you pouring?  Egg nog?  A hot toddy? Rohypnol?  


At the 0:46 mark of this version, Rosemary Clooney (not Doris Day like it lists) even asks "What's in this drink?" and gets the response "No cabs to be had out there".  At least his answer wasn't "It puts the lotion in the basket..." Every time she asks a question he basically cuts her off with a version of PLEASE STAY PLEASE STAY PLEASE STAY PLEASE STAY.  I hate the "while I pour" part.  I should have ranked this higher.

#9 - "Please Come Home for Christmas" 

I take no umbrage with the song itself.  The Eagles version made the cut on the Solid Gold Christmas TV show back in the day and I have enjoyed it ever since.  My issue comes with the fact that many radio stations take it upon themselves to splice in Christmas wishes from soldiers overseas who are in harm's way and are wishing they could be with their loved ones.  I don't need to be cruising down the road, blubbering like a big idiot.  Knock it off, radio stations.


Not annoyed yet?  I started off with the mild ones.  Brace yourself...

#8 - "Merry Christmas Darling" What's wrong?  The line "Logs on the fire fill me with desire"

Karen Carpenter had the most amazing, clear voice and this song shows it off perfectly.  I actually quite enjoy the first part of the song where she is relaxing, having finished her Christmas cards and is now able to reflect on the season and the joy it brings her.  She even invents the word "Christmasing"  which is pretty cool.  But then she begins to think about her partner who is not with her and then her attention drifts over to the fireplace.  And the logs.  And being filled with desire.

Well...that escalated quickly.  Going from a sweet love song about her one true love to making it clear that she is ready to work her way over to the Naughty List but her man is out of town on business or something.  As a bonus, Karen's brother Richard wrote this song for her to sing.  Ewwww.

I won't embarrass Stacie by writing what she thought this line said until I corrected her.  Let's just say it was much more innocent and MUCH funnier.  


#7 - "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (Bruce Springsteen version)

I'm not a Bruce Springsteen fan; unless he's singing "Glory Days" or "Rosalita" or if it's the Fourth of July, "Born in the USA". And this live version of the song is just bad news.  They ease into it with an instrumental part, then Bruce starts talking to the band and finally asks the crowd "Everybody out there been good, or what?" and gets a tepid response back from the people who paid good money for concert tickets and want to hear "Born to Run".  Bruce responds with "Aww, that's not many...not many...you guys are in trouble out here" and follows that up with a dumb guy guffaw because he was SO clever.  They proceed to slog through the song, E-Street style until the end where he repeats the title over and over with (I assume) Clarence Clemens Ho Ho Ho-ing in the background.  The third time he repeats it, Bruce is overcome with how funny and silly they are all being and can't even get the words out because he's giggling so much.  Hysterical!  Plus, this track is always in HEAVY rotation on any Christmas music station.  Be prepared to hear this change the channel at least once a day.


#6 - "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

There are only two possible explanations for what is going on in this song:

1. Our hero sneaks downstairs to catch Santa Claus doing his work only to catch his mom kissing Santa.  Of course, it's really his dad, who is taking the whole "getting into character" thing to a new level by putting on the red suit and a beard to leave the presents.

OR 

2. Santa is getting bizzzaayyy with his mom.

There is really no in-between.  The singer recognizes his mom, so he at least has a functioning pair of eyes and you would think he'd recognize his pops unless it was the best costume in the world.  I used to think it was the first option, that the boy saw his parents kissing, but at a closer examination, it seems like the latter.  In the Jackson 5 version, Michael even pleads with his backup band brothers that he saw their mom kissing Santa.  His brothers blow him off and probably figure that he had spent too much time in his personal hyperbaric chamber.  But little Mike is pretty convinced; in the middle of the song he even says "Oh what a wreck it would have been if Daddy had only seen..." and from what I read about Joe Jackson, it was a good thing his daddy wasn't around because Mr. Jackson would have taken off his belt and settled Santa's hash right there under the mistletoe.  

Just a bizarre song all the way around when you think about it; doesn't matter if it's the aforementioned Jackson 5 version, the Ronettes, or John Mellencamp (all three versions get ample airtime).  I think we can agree that for all parties involved, it was a true blessing that kissing was the ONLY thing little Mike saw his mom and Santa doing.


#5 - "White Christmas" 

Ha!  I'm kidding!  This is the perfect Christmas song. The best song and also the best Christmas movie.  Nothing could sully this masterpiece!

Except maybe Boney M.  Stick to teaching us about Russian holy men, B.

Actual #5 - "Silver Bells" Line that makes my skin crawl: "Ring-a-ling..." 

Did you know that when this song was written, it was originally titled "Tinkle Bells"?  The brain surgeon who wrote this song thought nothing of it until he went home and told his wife about the new song that was going to make them rich and she proceeded to slap some sense into him until he changed the title.  Can you imagine kids singing along to "Tinkle Bells" when it came on the radio?  It sounds like a Weird Al song. I chuckle every time I say it.  Even with the title changed and with Der Bingle smoothing his way through the song this line is horrible.  I get that it's about bells and ringing and such, but have you EVER heard someone use the phrase "ring-a-ling" unless it is about this song?  It may not sound rational but whenever I hear this it is grating to my last aural nerve.

Here's the Bing Crosby / Carol Richards version so you can hear them volley that line back and forth.  I shudder to think what Gleeatronix or whatever their name is would do to this one.


#4 - "Let It Snow" or "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" for those of you who want to sound like a skipping record  Why it's here?  The line "...and I've got some corn for poppin'..."

It's hard for me to put a finger on why this line bugs me so much, but it certainly ruins a perfectly good song (as an aside, while this song is truly played only at Christmastime, it never actually mentions the holiday).  It's another one of those lines that you never, ever hear anyone actually say.  First, this is a lousy thing to bring to a party; it's like going to a holiday function where everyone spends hours making homemade cookies, baking turkeys, etc, and this joker shows up and makes a big deal of what he brought. "Hey...I was running through the grocery store and grabbed a bottle of Orville Redenbacher's finest.  If I can just borrow some oil, a stove, a pot, and some butter and salt, we can get this party started!"

I know this song dates back to the 1950's, so maybe back then it was a hip lingo that they used, kind of like "Here's some corn for that fire, daddy-o".  In any event, I truly dislike this line.  The Harry Connick, Jr. version is the very worst.  I usually like Harry's Big Easy/Cajun drawl but I'd rather stuff a spoonful of Emeril's gumbo in each ear than listen to Harry sing "...and AHHH BRAWWTT SUMM KAAARRRRRNNNNNN FUR POPPING." BAM!


#3 - "Peace on Earth / Little Drummer Boy" (Bing Crosby and David Bowie). Why?  ONE SINGLE LINE.  Read on...

Many of my closest family and friends (at least the ones who made it this far) will be shocked to find that this is NOT in the top spot on my list.  For many moons, it was without question the worst.  But a funny thing happened: we joked about it and laughed about it so much that it kind of became like a snake with no venom. It could still bite, but it didn't do any lasting damage.  

To set the scene: 

Fade in on Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas, a TV special in 1977.  Bing is walking through Hogwarts and hears the doorbell ring (or maybe ring-a-ling?).  He opens the door and hey!  It's David Bowie!  He's more "Thin White Duke" than "Ziggy Stardust" here, but it's a bit jarring to see this cat chatting it up with Bing.  They make some small talk and then find zero excuse to walk over to a piano for a little more chatter.  It's a bit painful to watch:

Bowie - "Well, I sing too."

Bingle - "Oh good!  What kind of singin'?"  (internal monologue: "And how can you sing with your hair like that, you dirty hippie?)

Bowie - "Well...mostly contemporary stuff. Do you, uh, do you like modern music?" (translation: "I put on skin tight bodysuits and androgynous makeup and wail about a Starman and Spiders from Mars.  It would melt your face off").  

Bingle - "Oh, I think it's marrrrrrvelous.  Some of it really fine."  

Mmm hmm.  Modern music like maybe the Andrews Sisters or Count Basie.

This continues for a few more awkward seconds and then they decide it's time to test out the pipes.  Bowie leans over and pretend-picks out a few notes on the piano while Bing watches and they start in on a duet of "Little Drummer Boy".  It actually sounds pretty good.  I'm convinced that even I could sing a duet with The Old Groaner and it would sound velvety smooth, but they really sound decent togeth

PEACE ON EARTH!!!!

Suddenly Bowie breaks away from their harmony and fires off this gem.  It's like a swift kick to Santa's goodie bag: it stops you dead in your tracks and takes your breath away.  Plus the video fades in on just Bowie as he veers off on this tangent, relegating Bing to the background, both visually and musically (and nobody puts Bing in a corner!).  It's like watching a Budweiser commerical with the Clydesdales pulling a giant sleigh through a road covered in fresh powder and suddenly smash cutting to the Grinch flying down Mt. Crumpit on a runaway sled. 

Could. Not. Be. More. Jarring.

The duet "continues", and Bowie even throws out the line again.  But now, it's over our lifeless corpse; the damage is already done.  A minute later, they segue back into another verse together, and it's my favorite part of the song, but it sounds far too nice and they separate once again.  The third time, Bowie sings the line gently, smartly realizing that he no longer needs to bring out the heavy artillery as we sit drooling uncontrollably, waiting for it to mercifully end.  

And...scene.

Apparently, Bowie didn't want to sing "Little Drummer Boy" and the show writers wrote this mashup on the spot.  They ran through it a couple of times and rolled the cameras.  Bing was asked about working with Bowie later and said that he was "...a real fine asset to the show.  He sings well, has a great voice, and reads his lines well".  Which means that Bing was still on a contact high.


Time has softened my disdain for this line, and the rest of the song sort of makes up for it.  Which is why two vile, heinous songs have risen above this, like a curdled cream that rises to the bitter top.

#2 - "Santa Baby" (Every single version. Every one.)  This is the one Christmas song that I will turn off.  Every other song on this list has its redeeming qualities or at least some value to it.  Not this pile.  

This was originally performed by Eartha Kitt back in the 1950's as she ran through a list for her sugar daddy Santa whose breadth and scope is rivaled only by my own son's list for Santa.  She wants furs, cars, boats...the deed to a mine for heaven's sake.  Plus, she moans it all in her Catwoman-y voice.  It goes on and on and on, mercifully ending with her telling Santa that if he likes it, he better put a ring on it.  I get that it was Eartha Kitt's shtick and I can't pile on her too much because I just read that she died on Christmas Day a few years back and that's too ironic and a little bit of a downer.

The biggest problem with the song is the cover versions that followed.  Every time a new ingenue entered the music scene, they would crank out their own version.  Hey...it's 1987!  Madonna is a huge star; let's have her sing this in her worst Betty Boop voice! (My dad bought my mom our first CD player for Christmas that year and one of the CD's that he bought was an all-star charity album called A Very Special Christmas that featured not only this horrendous Madonna offering but the live Springsteen version of "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" from earlier in the list.  Good thing Run DMC's "Christmas in Hollis" was on the disc).

Now it's the '90's, so Mariah Carey, it's your turn!  Present day...hello Ariana Grande!  Taylor Swift...The Pussycat Dolls...LeAnn Rimes...Miss Piggy...I think the Macy Gray version is offered as a substitute to water boarding.  And each version is long and whiny and just not good.  It's not even a Christmas song that you can sing along to.  It just sort of oozes out of the radio for what feels like sixteen minutes and sits in a puddle at your feet. Elvis' "Blue Christmas" is a slower Christmas song as well, but unlike "Santa Baby" everyone wants to sing like The King and you can do that "A-WHOO-A-WHOO-OO" that the backup singer does during the whole song too.  I'm embedding Elvis instead of this mess.  


What could possibly rank higher than the monstrosity that is "Santa Baby"?






















Number one with a bullet...















#1 - "Wonderful Christmas Time" - Paul McCartney and (sort of) Wings

Man...what a train wreck this one is.  This is Paul McCartney. He's a BEATLE!  SIR Paul McCartney!  This is what happens when you stop eating meat (I'm kidding.  Sort of).  Supposedly, Sir Paul wrote this song all by his lonesome while working on a solo album.  One listen and you realize that he was NOT alone when he wrote this; I know his friends Jim Beam and Jack Daniels must have co-written this because it is awful.   

This song was released as a single-only version in 1979.  As a testament to how horrendous this song is, it only got to #6 in the UK.  I suspect any one of the Beatles could have made body function noises into a microphone for five minutes and it would get to #1 in the UK.  But this one only got to six.  It is truly wretched.  After it was out for a couple of years, the song got released on a Wings album so that Linda McCartney could have a piece of the pie as well.  

The whole Wings gang was part of the "promotional video shoot" for the song, which is what they called it back in the 70's when they pointed a camera at musicians and they lip synced along.  Somehow, it makes the song even more nauseating.  Please observe:



To give this it's proper due, here is a list within the list of what infuriates me about this song/video:

1. The synthesizer.  Great googily moogily.  The synthesizer is repetitive and unyielding.  Most of the time it has ZERO bearing on the song.  It's just like a sound effect or a video game noise.  Maybe Sir Paul fell asleep to a loop of the song "Popcorn" and woke up thinking "Eureka!  I have the best idea for a song!".  Sometimes it follows along with the melody but by then you want to claw your eyeballs off to distract you from this song.

2. The line "...simply...having...a wonderful Christmas time..." is repeated approximately 154 times.  It's simply...crappy...to hear this line that much.  What do you expect?  It's not like he was part of the greatest songwriting duo in history or anything.

3. The music video is just ridiculous.  I don't mind them all heading down to the wee pub for a pint, but don't bring the rhythm guitar, or the stand up bass, or pretend to play the piano.  We can all hear the song.  Same goes with the concert footage.  It's a machine. You're pushing the correct button and sounds come out.  Kind of like going to watch a DJ in concert.  

4. Every time Paul "duets" with Linda during the song; especially because we know how she sounds when she sings.  Frankly, she sounds like me singing.  

3:44 later and it's over.  You've survived it for another couple of hours until another radio station runs it back and you get clobbered with the synthesizer right out of the gate.  Forbes estimates that Sir Paul makes about $400,000 every year from royalties, meaning it has earned over $15 million in its lifetime.  That's the most depressing thing that I have heard in some time.

and on that mechanic, synthesized note...

Merry Christmas everyone!  Even through all of these atrocities I love Christmas music and the feeling it brings during the Holiday season.  May your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmas stations not play "Santa Baby" ever again!